New years eve : alchemy and the heart
Every New Year’s Eve I try and do something special. I've not had many New Years Eve’s where there were party’s involved… just a few - but definitely maybe only one since living in Saudi Arabia. But I hold hope. One day I’m going to have one of those dressed up glamorous New Years… but not this year. It’s 6 p.m., I’m bathed, perched in bed and writing this to you. I’m not upset though. I’ve prepared for the new year mentally which is the key. I’ve been anticipating the flip of the calendar since October. This is in stark contrast to New Year’s Eve 2019, I didn’t do anything nor did I get myself together mentally. The results? 2020. Just look what happened! JUST LOOK!
I was having a hard time last year though, and I didn’t have a hopeful feeling about 2020 and pretty much yep - I was right!
Personal note : Jumana, I feel good about 2021
For me 2020, has been a year of introspection, personal growth and at times painful expansion. This time last year I was a mess emotionally (I mean weeping while working out - messy). I’m so grateful I feel exponentially better this year!
You see, 2019 marked five years of my Middle East journey (aside – I only meant to stay for three). Although, I had known that it was time to make changes, it wasn’t until October of 2019, that I really started listening to the whispers in the wind that inevitably speak to us all. But then there was 2020… and well yes… here I still am.
Midyear 2020, I listened to an amazing podcast (Super Soul Sunday) the title of which was Life First Speaks to you in a Whisper. I’ve always believed this but it was refreshing to hear confirmation that I’m not schizophrenic and losing my mind, listening to whispers in the wind. Phew!
My whispers come to me in niggling feelings. Little signs. Things start closing in on me. In this instance, I started losing people (who were not truly important to my wellbeing or growth) left and right. Literally I just felt LEFT! Calls un-returned, ghosted straight up. Who those people were to me is unimportant, however, I felt the loss. I don’t just toss people aside. It’s the nature of my heart.
As odd and deafening as those exits were, especially this year. They were necessary. But, I became so uncomfortable. I guess I had to really sit and think what the heck was going on with me? But now that I think about it. The people had to go so that I could get still and quiet in myself so that I could hear my own heart clearly without all the noise.
And boy, my heart had a lot to say to me.
I choose the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo for my book clubs last of year read. Coelho’s enchanting fable was the summation of all I’ve been learning about myself this year. In the Alchemist, Santiago and the alchemist are traveling through the desert towards the pyramids, they have a discussion about listening to one's heart. Santiago is concerned because he feels as if his heart hasn't spoken to him in a while and it is usually very talkative. Santiago tells the alchemist that his heart is agitated, emotional, passionate, and it keeps him awake thinking (I can totally relate). The alchemist tells him to keep listening to his heart because if he stops, he may eventually lose all communication with it. Santiago then asks if he should listen to his heart even if it is treasonous. The alchemist says the following:
"If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them".
This has been the lesson and the discovery and the joy and the pain of this year. My heart has been chatty. But I’ve been too fatigued to tell it to keep quiet and so I have been listening. Sometimes I’ve questioned if my heart is telling me the right things because it has been challenging me:
Tell the truth… about how you feel…to yourself - and accept it.
Throw that away
Rest
Don’t try and conquer everything
Try harder/make more of an effort
Don’t run – walk
Observe … just observe
Help
Be more positive
Forget about it
I said … WALK!
And I’m listening and I think my heart and I have become such good friends that I don’t question it or suspect it of treason in all its chatter. What a relief. All those people lost but my heart found. How comforting.
We are all looking toward 2021. In just a few hours it will be here! I can’t type that without hesitating because… geeze I never got over 1998 HA! In this year where we were all with our hearts and minds a little more what was yours saying to you? Me and my heart – my beloved trusted advisor and friend – we are on the move. I’m terrified but excited. But it is with me and I with it and we go along.
Leave your comments on your hopes for 2021 and lessons from 2020 in the comment box below, I’d love to read them.